Our culture has, in recent decades, emphasized the importance of clearly articulating our opinions and desires. We are told to speak up and communicate assertively from a young age. But what about advice on how best to receive what someone else is saying? Unfortunately, we are rarely taught how to listen. Cultivating the art of listening can make all the difference in any relationship.
It’s not enough to allow our spouse their turn to talk. Even saying something like “I hear you” is not truly adequate when trying to create the kind of deep connection and intimacy we all crave.
Consider these thoughts:
Are you listening not just to the words your partner is saying but also to the tone in which they are saying them? What is the expression on your face? Are you demonstrating they have your full attention? Being aware of the things that regularly distract us from giving our partner our whole self at the moment is insightful. Maybe you can be a better listener at certain times of the day or week. It can be helpful to identify these.
Suppose we can decide to approach conversations with the assumption that both partner’s viewpoints are equally valid. In that case, we eliminate the temptation to place a value judgment on what the other person is saying. Immediately, this frees us up to concentrate on precisely what the other person is trying to convey and to demonstrate we have understood it.
Practice this sequence:
Instead of being right, focus on what might be right about what your partner is saying. In a nutshell, the key is listening to understand rather than responding.
All this may seem a little prescriptive, but the more you practice this exercise, the more natural it will feel and the more likely it will be incorporated into your everyday conversations.
When we’ve been together for a while, we may begin to think we know everything there is to know about our story. Key moments such as how we met, how we became engaged, the birth of a child, or the endurance of a challenging illness or period at work can seem to be set in stone. Often, we imagine that the details we remember are objective and have been experienced similarly by our partner. It can be fascinating to ask a couple to recount a particular story in their shared history and hear two very different accounts. It can be the so-called contradictions and the bits which are left out or forgotten that hold the key to a new narrative.
Try this exercise:
Consider the differences in your partner’s version of the story. Do you both tend to focus on particular but varying aspects? If the event occurred today and at your current age, how might the experience be different? You may want to discuss the seemingly negative aspects of a particular chapter for which you are grateful with the benefit of hindsight.
Developing our listening skills can be transformational in a relationship and is undoubtedly one of the foundations for building a solid and satisfying marriage.
all that pressure some of us put on ourselves to find the “right” partner will not amount to much if we aren’t right with ourselves. That means working toward being “complete” on our own. And then being open to another “complete” person as a partner.
I want you to close your eyes. I want you take a moment and think about the last time you were angry. What was going on? Who were you angry with? Where did you feel that anger physically? Maybe in your chest, neck, or back. Maybe in your shoulders. I presume you could describe the physical feeling as tense and unpleasant. Why does this happen?
Even if you feel guilty for hurting someone, you might have trouble finding the right way to express your regret. How do you give a meaningful and sincere apology? How do you ask for one? With these tips, you’ll find that “sorry” doesn’t have to be the hardest word.
