The Montfort Group

Why People Fall Out of Love

Falling out of love is one of life’s saddest, and most surprising, experiences. It is also one of the most common. And while for some the process is gradual, with the couple slowly growing apart, for others it can happen suddenly.

Lack of Effort and Resistance to Change 

To describe any relationship as a “success” is foolish. In reality, they evolve and change. And that is because people change. The person you married at 20 years old may be unrecognizable at 40 years old.

Every relationship is a work in progress because every relationship is composed of individuals, each with their own hopes and fears, their own traumas and insecurities. Over time, one may grow in confidence or discover some new talent or passion. If the other resists these changes, anger and resentment will build. Even old school friends can find they no longer have anything in common.

Of course, change need not doom a relationship. On the contrary, if handled maturely, it can strengthen your bond. Often, marriages falter not because the couple ceased to love one another, but because one grew rigid and stuffy. Love, passion, and sex aren’t enough. Unromantic as it sounds, a good marriage demands work; lots of hard work. Flexibility and a willingness to update are just as important as sex and romance.

Threats from Outside

Relationships do not exist in a vacuum. Not only are they threatened from within, but they also face pressure from the outside. For example, a man starts a new job and doesn’t get along with his manager. This, in turn, makes him moody and argumentative. He longs to tell his boss what he thinks of him and even fantasizes about punching him on the nose. But he can’t. The rage and frustration build, and he begins picking fights with his wife.

The list of threats is endless, from unpaid debts to obnoxious in-laws. Even friends can be a source of tension. Once again, the key is hard work. Watch out for such threats and deal with them as they arise. Above all, do not compromise. Your partner and children come first. If you must take a second job to pay off your debts, then so be it. If your mother keeps interfering, tell her to back off. It is in your hands.         

Boredom and Disgust

Couples often underestimate how difficult it can be to live together. For a relationship to last, romance has to be maintained. And that is tricky when you share a bed, a bathroom, and a TV! 

Boredom is, of course, common. And it can be difficult to feel passionate, romantic love for someone who bores you. This is a particular problem in a relationship that began with a strong physical attraction. As the passion fades, the couple can feel like they’ve woken from an exciting dream. Now here they are, sitting in a restaurant, unable to think of anything to say.

Then there is pure disgust. Living with someone means unwashed dishes, dirty socks, and shaved hair in the sink. It means terrible smells, morning breath, and clipped toenails in the bath. Maybe he belches after he eats, or she passes wind in bed. These irritations, if unaddressed, will fester and build.

Unrealistic Expectations

It is often said that no one falls in love with a real person; they fall in love with an image or fantasy. This is known as “projection,” and it can be fatal to a relationship. The obvious example would be the naïve and romantic adolescent who watches too many movies and reads too many trashy novels. She is determined to find her Hugh Grant. He also will be charming, funny, and self-effacing. At first, she struggles. When, eventually, she does meet someone, she projects her fantasy on to him. They move in together and, gradually, the illusion gives way to reality.

More generally, people tend to overestimate their partner. He, or she, is human. And human beings can be spiteful, jealous, cowardly, and mean-spirited. Always keep a sense of proportion and humor. And learn to forgive.

Nothing guarantees a relationship will last. No one can predict how they will feel a few weeks from now, let alone a few years. But you can stack the odds in your favor. Be in no doubt, the threats are numerous. No matter what those threats may be, however, vigilance and hard work are the keys to avoid falling out of love.

Contact The Montfort Group in Plano today to see how we can help you. 

Cory Montfort, MS, LPC-S

Cory Montfort, MS, LPC-S

I completed my Masters of Science in Counseling from Southern Methodist University where I specialized in working with individuals, couples, and families. I have extensive experience working within the mental health community facilitating groups, conducting assessments, counseling individuals, and performing crisis intervention. I hold an active License in Professional Counseling and am also a board-approved Counselor Supervisor for the state of Texas.

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