Guilt is the belief that I did something wrong, while shame is the belief I am wrong. What do you tell yourself when something goes wrong?
Growing up and even in adulthood, we grab on to subtle and not so subtle messages through the things we are told and the experiences we have. These messages can be passed down from our interactions with our parents or friends, through television, comparing ourselves on social media, our not-so-great experiences from school or work, or any encounter we have that makes us question ourselves. We learn what is acceptable through these experiences and when we do something *not* acceptable, we sometimes internalize these messages to modify the things we do and our core beliefs about ourselves.
For example, if we believe I am not loveable, we may get involved in a series of relationships that remind us just how unlovable we are. If we believe I am not worthy, we may not go after the things we have passion for.
Shame is a universal feeling that we can begin to feel around the age of 2 when we start to become aware of our own self, and that other people are aware of us too. It serves a function to help us “stay in line” with our group and culture so that we can be accepted and loved. As far a history dates back, we needed to be a part of a group so that we had better chances of survival, and in that way, it makes sense!
If the purpose of shame is to help us find acceptance and love, why don’t we give ourselves that love! Research has shown that self-compassion is one powerful way to help us begin the process of changing some of our shame-based beliefs, thoughts, and behaviors.
The first part of learning how to give yourself self-compassion means that we have to be aware of our own inner critique. Next time you look in the mirror and begin tugging and squeezing at your so-called “imperfections,” take note of what you’re telling yourself. Is it “omg nothing fits!” or “my thighs have gotten so big?”
When we become aware of what we’re telling ourselves, we can begin the process of self-compassion by changing what we tell ourselves.
I always ask my clients who are struggling with shame, what are you telling yourself – and would you tell this same message to your friend? The answer typically is, probably not!
When we can become aware of how and when shame beliefs are showing up in our life, we can turn our self-critical voice to one that is supportive, loving, and encouraging. In a lot of ways, it’s befriending yourself!
My practice for you is – next time your shame belief shows up, or your inner critic puts you down – pause, reflect, and change your inner voice to one that is comforting, supportive, and loving.
Let’s not punish or blame. Let’s admit that we’re human. We are imperfect. We are trying and we are tired. We are working. We are juggling. We are in a never-ending balancing act. This is just where we are, and let’s give ourselves a little credit through this exhaustion.
Most of us have the capacity to tolerate the ebb and flow of emotions and have strategies to self-regulate. However, trauma, chronic stress, and adverse childhood experiences can narrow the window of tolerance and limit that capacity. Daily life events can seem like huge challenges and illicit outsized reactions.
Life is too busy for a sexless marriage. Sex, and the “work” that’s necessary to make it good and enjoyable, require skills that most are not taught.
