The partner who suffers from an addiction is often in denial which becomes a big problem in the relationship. The secrecy involved in using substances can lead to distance, isolation and puts enormous strain on the relationship. In addition to trust issues, anger and aggression are also common when using substances.
For the partner of someone with addiction, they may cover up for their partner, make excuses and overlook accidents and poor behavior. These partners suffer from co-dependency and have a tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. A co-dependent person tries to control the relationship but is unable to.
Financial issues can often add to the problems a couple is having due to substance abuse problems. Resentment usually develops when partners have a joint account and the person abusing substances carelessly spends money. Cutting off or controlling the partner who is abusing substances from the joint bank account leads to contention and adds to more problems in the relationship.
If there is resistance and the denial is too severe, sometimes it is necessary to create an intervention for the addicted partner. This is a well-prepared and pre-planned meeting with a professional counselor, family, friends, sometimes colleagues from work who meet with the addicted person. The participants confront the person with the addiction and explain him or her the consequences and how they are affecting family, friends and the workplace. Usually there is a pre-arranged treatment plan that may include going to the hospital, either as an in-patient or outpatient. Hospitalization may be necessary for those who have a serious drug or alcohol addiction and who need to detoxify as the first step. After this initial phase of treatment, it is a matter of maintaining sobriety and creating a healthy environment. This is a difficult phase as there could be setbacks.
Alcoholics Anonymous, known as A.A., and the other 12-Step programs are a great resource for the addicted partner. For the partner of someone with addiction, there are Al-anon meetings where they support and encourage, and help the co-dependent partner to stop the ways he or she may have been enabling the addicted person.
Many treatments for individuals who have problems with substance abuse will include their partner in some way. Research has shown that involving partners in the treatment process can be important in helping the treatment succeed.
The recovery process for the co-dependent partner comes when they eventually address their own needs instead of tolerating mistreatment or trying to save their partner. It’s important that the partner who was enabling the addiction work on changing their own patterns of enabling behaviors.
Counseling can help bring to awareness the dysfunctional behaviors, and help the couples develop new, healthier coping skills. One of the most relevant themes that they learn in counseling together includes communication and limit-setting. The focus is also on forgiveness and building a new future together. Both partners need to recognize and accept that addiction recovery is a lifestyle.
As therapists we have worked with the addicts, the partners of addicts, and the couple and we believe it is important to handle the situation with empathy, acceptance and patience. With hard work, forgiveness and the right kind of support and counseling, many couples are able to heal their relationship and create a new and healthier relationship. This takes a lot of time, patience and persistence, but a new level of trust and intimacy could be reached.