Therapists are Broken
back to all As a therapist, I often hear the phrase, “You must have it all figured out,” usually followed by, “I bet nothing gets
A few weeks ago a client came into my office, collapsed onto the couch, and deeply sighed:
“I am so tired of feeling like a foreigner!”. Her words touched a nerve. Her pain and sadness
sounded so familiar. What I recognized was not the struggle of a person who was born in
another country (which I was) and speaks with an accent (which I do). Instead, I could relate to
her hunger to be seen, appreciated, loved, and included. They were looking for a sense of belonging. After all, who doesn’t want to be accepted and be part of something larger than ourselves?! But I also know from experience that
constantly scanning the environment for reassurance that you fit in is truly exhausting and can
take us away from what really matters.
In his book “A Liberated Mind” (2019), Steve C. Hayes defines belonging as a universal birth
right. We all deserve to be valued and loved regardless of what we look like, or how we think,
or how much we achieve. Belonging is not predicated on exceptionalism; it is not a popularity
contest. While it certainly feels good to receive compliments and praise, being liked and feeling
special, rarely, if ever, move us towards a rich and meaningful life. In fact, if you live in
alignment with who you truly are, there will inevitably be some who won’t like you.
Belonging is an internal, “wordless, embodied” experience but it can be
elusive because our external world often emphasizes separateness over unity. Whole groups of
individuals are pushed to the margins of society simply based on who they are.
On a personal level, we sometimes experience the pain of rejection at the hands of the people
in our lives. Holiday gatherings could become awkward when our values and beliefs diverge
from those of our families; we might be judged and even ostracized by our religious
communities for asking questions they deem inappropriate; friends might stop including us
when we no longer share the same interests and/ or social status; unconventional ideas and
nonconforming behaviors could leave us isolated in the workplace. In all those instances, we
internalize the message that we are not accepted because we do not fit in. As a result, we get
caught up in a negative self-story of “I don’t belong because I am not enough”, “I’m not smart
enough, not beautiful enough, not articulate enough, not agreeable enough, not lovable
enough, not (insert your own word) enough”.
The good news is that we do not have to be extraordinary or recognized by others to belong.
Belonging is “not a problem to be solved, not a box we check and move on”. It just is, we already have it. We have belonging because we exist.
“Our bodies know that they belong; it is our minds that make our lives so homeless. Guided by longing,Sometimes life disconnects us from that deep rooted sense of belonging, but we can find our
belonging is the wisdom of rhythm. When we are in rhythm with our own nature, things flow and
balance naturally.” J. O’Donoghue
“When you connect with pure awareness and find your natural goodness, something larger than
yourself, when you connect with your birthright to belong, you don’t have to determine whether
you’re good enough or not.” –Meg McKelvie, Ph.D.
back to all As a therapist, I often hear the phrase, “You must have it all figured out,” usually followed by, “I bet nothing gets
back to all As much as I- a huge writing enthusiast- love to work out new ways to say things, there have certainly been many
back to all To My Intrepid Readers, You may be wondering what the point of this is. If you are, then I bid you an