May 12, 2025
You don’t want to be with them anymore. You know that. You might even be in a new relationship, seeing someone casually, or genuinely feeling good about your life. But they still show up. In your thoughts. In your dreams. In the way you pause when a certain song plays. You wonder if this means you’re not over them, if something is wrong with you, or if you secretly want them back.
Let’s be clear. Missing someone does not mean you belong with them. And thinking about someone long after a breakup is not always about the person. It is often about what they represented.
When you end a long-term relationship, you are not just losing a partner. You are losing a version of yourself that existed only inside that relationship. You’re losing the rhythm you built, the language you spoke together, the roles you played, the identity you held. That is a kind of grief no one prepares you for. And because grief is so sneaky, it doesn’t always knock on the front door. Sometimes it arrives in the form of a Facebook memory, an unexpected scent, or a holiday that does not feel the same.
You might think about them when you are stressed or lonely or doubting your current path. Not because they were the solution, but because your nervous system once found comfort in their presence. Even if the relationship was imperfect, it was familiar. And sometimes, when life feels uncertain, familiarity disguises itself as longing.
You are not crazy for remembering the good parts. You are not weak for feeling sad about something that ended years ago. You are not failing at healing because you occasionally feel a pang of what used to be. This is how emotional recovery actually works. It is layered. It is quiet. It is not linear.
What matters most is not whether you think of them. What matters is how you hold yourself when you do. Can you notice the thought without judging it? Can you see what it might be trying to tell you about where you still feel tender or unresolved?
Sometimes, it is not about them at all. It is about the version of you that lived in that relationship. The parts of yourself that were known. The dreams you had. The story you thought would unfold. Letting go of that future can take time, even when you know it was not the right fit.
So if they still cross your mind, it does not mean you are stuck. It means you are human. And you are in the quiet process of reassembling your identity without them. That is not weakness. That is growth.
And it deserves your gentleness.
Part of the Dating After Divorce series on The Montfort Group blog.
If this resonates, individual therapy can help you unpack what your nervous system is still holding on to.
Cory is a licensed professional counselor and board-approved supervisor in Texas with extensive experience in mental health, crisis intervention, and relationship counseling. With a background in education and a Master’s in Counseling from Southern Methodist University, she specializes in supporting individuals, couples, and families. Beyond her clinical work, Cory is a dedicated community leader, having founded the nonprofit Together Richardson, acquired Richardson Living Magazine, and served on multiple leadership boards. She is passionate about blending professional expertise with faith-based mental health initiatives through her work with Beacon of Light.
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