The Montfort Group

Cheated On: Compassion Over Vengeance

I’m pretty sure I’ve been cheated on. I don’t have proof, but I don’t really need it. We’re no longer together.

It was a long time ago and the details don’t matter now. Whether he did or did not is irrelevant. But I remember the pain and fear and worry I felt at the time when it was happening. What was he doing? Who was he with? Why wasn’t he home yet? Etc.

The Pain

For those of you who have been cheated on, you know what I’m talking about. The constant, gnawing, gut-wrenching awareness that you’re not special anymore, that you’ve been abandoned for someone prettier, smarter, sexier than you. I’m fortunate in that I was young and in a relationship that was doomed to fail anyway. But for those of you who were betrayed by your best love, this experience is devastating.

It sends the betrayed into a spiral of self-doubt, wondering about their worth, unable to completely trust well until healed. And it sends the betrayer into a similar whirlwind in their struggle to come to grips with how they’ve hurt another (usually accidentally).


Recovering from an affair is a messy business. I struggle to help each relationship no matter the circumstances. For the betrayed, rebuilding the ability to trust. For those who cheated, rebuilding their trustworthiness. These things take an exorbitant amount of courage, patience, and time well-spent to accomplish.

But it is possible. In my case, I learned that I did not need to be in a relationship with someone who was not willing to change or grow. In the cases of so many of my clients, I often see them making a commitment to a process of change and growth. Because they make that commitment, not only do they change and grow as individuals, their relationship becomes better than before.

The Process

If each commits to the process, it is long and arduous, mostly because it requires compassion to complete. Compassion for the betrayed. Compassion for the one who strayed. Compassion for the outside party, whoever they are. It takes time for each person to get to a place of compassion, so it takes time to heal.

Compassion and forgiveness are not the same. Compassion is necessary for healing. Forgiveness is not. But forgiveness may be necessary to restore a sense of trust to bridge the divide the betrayal opened. Each case is different in how it must be approached, but being able to reach a place of compassion is necessary no matter what.

If you are struggling to find and feel compassion for your partner in the aftermath of an affair, I hope you’ll consider committing to a journey to find it and the healing it brings. Contact The Montfort Group in Plano today.

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