When life gets busy with a never-ending list of to-do’s and places to be, sometimes our relationships can take a seat on the backburner. 

I remember in grad school I would eat, sleep, and breathe school. I had assignments piling up, readings to do, internship hours to gain, research meetings, and a teaching assistant position to prepare for. When it came down to going out on a date or spending time with friends, I didn’t have it in me! I still needed to take care of my basic needs, or clean my house, or just sit in silence to give my mind a break. I couldn’t give my relationships the time they needed. Does this sound familiar? 

Sometimes we fall in these cycles, and your once exciting, safe, loving relationship can turn into what we call, the roommate phase.

Signs your relationship has fallen into the roommate phase:  

• Conversations are brief and primarily revolve around mundane or logistical tasks such as chores or your schedules or they are about your children, careers, or something else outside of the relationship 

• Date nights or having fun together aren’t happening as much or at all. Hanging out may resemble sitting on your phones next to each other 

• Physical intimacy has decreased, is unwanted, or feels like another chore 

• Miscommunications may happen more frequently, and resentments may build up. Your thoughts and feelings about your partner may be harsher or more judgmental

• Emotional intimacy has decreased, and you don’t know how your partner is feeling or the last time you talked about how you’re feeling 

• There is a lack of passion, and your relationship feels disconnected or dissatisfying  

How to bring back excitement into the relationship 

I like to call this a phase, because phases change. Our relationships naturally fluctuate and if you have found your relationship in this phase, it’s important to know that it doesn’t have to stay this way! 

Some of the ways we can break this cycle is by first recognizing it and discussing it with your partner so that different choices and behaviors can be made. 

The choice to make your partner a priority. Sometimes we need to take a step back and truly ask ourselves, am I showing up for my partner? What priorities am I putting in front of my partner? Get organized and figure out what can be moved around or taken off. 

Take care of yourself. This may look like removing some of the pressure you have put on yourself. It may be communicating your needs and feelings when overwhelmed or tired. Or it may be giving yourself “you-time” and taking a long shower or doing something you love. Sometimes we need to re-fill our cup to move forward. 

Acknowledge your partner. Acknowledging your partner can look like noticing the small things your partner is doing and letting them know.  

Communicate. Set the intention of bringing back emotional intimacy in the relationship. Get curious about how your partner is doing and talk about how you’re feeling. Reintroduce deeper conversations, like playing 20 questions, even if it feels silly! 

View your partner with compassion. You may feel that you are doing everything for everyone, but I encourage you to look at your partner’s load. Are they also doing the best that they can? 

Invite passion and excitement back into the relationship. Plan a date or surprise, turn on music and cook something together, write a love note, compliment your partner. Taking small steps to add in ways to connect can shift a relationship quickly. 

Reintroduce physical intimacy. This may be as simple as hugging your partner when they arrive home or holding hands when in the car.

These choices and behaviors may start off small, but when we get in the habit of making our relationship a priority again, these small things begin to become second nature.