Relationships are beautiful, intricate dances between two people. They can lead us to unimaginable heights of joy and connection. But they can also pull us into dark, confusing spaces if we aren’t careful about the red flags that can reveal themselves early on. Looking back on my own experiences, I’ve realized how important it is to recognize toxic traits early on, before they become deep-rooted patterns that are so much harder to break away from. My hope is that by telling my story, and the lessons I’ve learned along the way, that it will reach someone who needs to hear it.

The Subtle Signs

The beginning felt like a whirlwind romance, the kind of thing you see in movies. But soon, little things would start to pop up. He started making jokes at my expense, ones that seemed to sting a little more than I could have anticipated. When I spoke up, he brushed it off, saying that I was being “too sensitive”. Here’s the thing, though; I believed him. I started questioning myself, wondering if maybe I was overreacting. But that’s the trick of toxic traits—it makes you doubt your own feelings and perceptions.

Lack of Respect for Boundaries

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is the power of boundaries. Early in the relationship, I noticed how he would dismiss my need for space. I’m someone who deeply values alone time, but he saw it as a rejection of him. He would show up unannounced, insist on staying over even when I said I needed a quiet night, and push for more time together than I was comfortable with.

At first, I thought I just needed to adjust, to be more accommodating. But I began to realize that compromising my boundaries wasn’t the answer. A healthy relationship is one where both people respect each other’s limits. If someone consistently pushes past your boundaries, it’s a sign of a deeper issue.

Constant Criticism or Disrespect

Everyone has moments when they can be a bit critical, but ongoing negativity or disrespect is a different story. If your date frequently puts you down, criticizes your choices, or belittles your opinions, that’s a huge warning sign. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and support, not constant judgment or condescension. Pay attention to how you feel after spending time with someone—if you’re consistently left feeling drained or devalued, it’s time to reassess the relationship.

On multiple occasions, he would ridicule me in front of friends and family. It started out small, where he would poke fun at my knockoff Louis Vuitton bag. But I was in my 20’s, and I certainly didn’t make enough money to purchase a designer bag in those days. But it didn’t matter, he had found something to ridicule me about, and for some reason, it seemed to make him happy.

Then, there was the dry-erase board. My ex kept one in the spare bedroom of our apartment.

But it wasn’t used for grocery lists or weeknight dinner ideas; instead, he used it to document every little thing I did that he considered “stupid”. You can imagine how quickly the board filled up since he was the one making the list. He thought it was the most brilliant thing ever, and didn’t seem to understand why I didn’t like it. 

To be fair, I’m quirky. Were there times I said something random or off-the-wall? Sure! But something as innocent as not remembering to purchase 2 of everything at the store should never have been used as a weapon to destroy my self-esteem.

Unwillingness to Communicate

I think most people understand that communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. But what if your date is evasive, avoids meaningful conversations, or dismisses your feelings? That’s a serious issue. Being able to talk openly is essential. When someone shuts down communication or avoids talking about important things, it might be immaturity or an unwillingness to fully invest in the relationship.

Years ago, whenever I had to communicate with one particular partner, I would prepare myself for the response before I made the call. Have you ever done that? Think about how to frame something before you talk to that person so that they don’t bite your head off? That was my life for several years. Once I had worked up the courage to call, my ex would answer the phone by saying something to the effect of “why are you calling me? You know how busy I am.” 

To be clear, he wasn’t in the middle of an ocean somewhere or in an operating room. He was in his office and simply did not want to be bothered with what he considered to be trivial. And I was only calling to try to schedule parent meetings and doctor appointments.

Extreme Emotional Reactions

I think it’s important to note that everyone has moments of emotional intensity, and that’s a normal part of the human experience. What I’m talking about here is a consistent pattern of extreme reactions that will eventually lead to an unpredictable and stressful environment.

When I reflect on some of the most frightening experiences of my life, one relationship comes to mind. I knew early on that this particular ex was more than capable of violence. I had known him since middle school and knew that he was a bit troubled back then. And now, here he was a combat veteran with only a few years between a deployment to Afghanistan and dating me. 

Perhaps that’s why I made so many excuses for his behavior. Or, as a cherished colleague of mine once described it, I was bleaching all of the red flags.

On more than one occasion, I watched in horror as he aggressively confronted and pummeled anyone that he perceived to get in his way. One outburst stands out because it happened in broad daylight, and in the presence of people passing on the highway. We were on our way to the airport, heading to Hawaii–my first time! I was so excited to finally be going, I could hardly wait.

He was driving and we were cut off by another driver trying to take the same exit. It’s probably something that happens literally every day at any airport and yes–it’s aggravating. But the way my ex reacted left me frozen in fear and speechless. After nearly rear-ending the driver in front of us, he hit the accelerator and cut back in front of that driver, in just enough time to avoid hitting the median. Middle fingers were exchanged and that should have been where it ended, but it didn’t.

After slamming on the brakes, he got out of our car and walked straight to the car behind us. At that point, the man driving the other car also got out and obviously wasn’t going to back down. That’s when I saw him punch the man so hard it knocked him to the ground. I closed my eyes and covered my ears like a child, because I couldn’t bear to witness it. And here I was about to go on a vacation with this man. A couple of minutes had passed when he got back in the car and started driving again. The police were waiting to speak to him at our gate when we arrived, but for whatever reason, he was released after briefly questioning him. 

I still think about that driver. How terrifying that experience must’ve been for him too. I hope he’s okay.  

Isolation from Friends and Family

I slowly found myself drifting away from my friends and family, not realizing at first that it was by design. My partner would often criticize my closest friends and suggest that they didn’t really care about me. He would say things like, “I just want you to myself,” which at first felt like flattery, but over time, it became isolating. The more time I spent with him, the less I connected with my support network. I started to feel guilty for wanting to see my loved ones. It wasn’t until I felt completely alone that I realized how toxic this behavior was—how his need for control and exclusivity had cut me off from the very people who had always had my back.

Moving Forward

Recognizing toxic traits early in a relationship is not just about protecting yourself—it’s about honoring your worth. It’s about believing that you deserve a relationship built on mutual respect, trust, and genuine care. It’s about understanding that love should never come at the cost of your mental or emotional well-being.

As I continue to grow and learn, I carry these lessons with me. I no longer see the early stages of a relationship through rose-colored glasses. Instead, I approach them with a balance of openness and caution. I still believe in love, in its power to heal and connect, but I also believe in the importance of self-respect and boundaries.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: Love is not meant to hurt. It’s meant to uplift, to nurture, and to bring out the best in both people. Anything less is not worth your time, energy, or heart.